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Stetson Bennett Talks to His Graduation Counselor (Satire)

Updated: Jul 17, 2023



Stetson! Great to see you. Come on in and have a seat.


Thanks for meeting with me to discuss your graduation from the University of Georgia. Wow, those two national championship rings are huge! Do you wear them all the time?


Let me get to the bottom line: you don't have enough credits to graduate from UGA.


Ya hungry? Want Raising Cane's Chicken Fingers?


Sorry. I forgot you were in training for the Los Angeles Rams.


You know I watched a great movie about Kurt Warner and the Rams. Talk about a comeback story.


No, don't go. Please stick around. We have serious things to discuss.


I've got your academic records here on my screen. So, you came to Georgia in the fall of 2017. And then, because we recruited Justin Fields, you transferred to Jones College. Of course, Justin transferred away from Georgia. Just like you did. Let's see... yes, he did graduate from Ohio State with a degree in consumer and family financial services.


So, anyway, as I was saying, Jones College didn't accept all of your credits from your Freshman year at Georgia. Unfortunately, that's typical for transfer students. They just get walked all over and taken advantage of. Colleges just want to make money and the only way they do that is through getting students to take more classes.


What's that? Yes, colleges do earn money when their football teams play on TV every Saturday.


Ahem. Then you transferred back to Georgia for the 2019-20 school year. And of course, we didn't accept all your credits from Jones. Wow, Fields had left by then. You must not have really liked him very much?


Nope, he didn't win the Heisman either.


So that season, you backed up Jake Fromm on the team. Now, you know Mailman, I once worked under a younger boss and there were times when I struggled with it. That must have been tough for you. Did you guys become friends? Did he invite you to his graduation from Georgia a couple weeks ago after he returned to college after an almost three year hiatus? I get it. You were busy. It was right after the draft and you were getting hazed at the Rams. Ah.


So anyhoo, that 2019 SEC championship was a doozie. I'll never forget what Gary Danielson said about you that day.


Stetson, please put the stapler down. If you throw that at my head, my kids will lose a dad. You're plenty tall enough to throw that over my desk. Please. I promise. I'll never mention Gary, I mean, I'll never mention that name again.


Let me take a deep breath. At least you got to go head-to-head with Joe Burrow. And according to my records, he was a transfer student from LSU to Ohio State. He graduated from Ohio State with, um, let's see, a degree inconsumer and family financial services. Wow, they must be giving those degrees away. First Justin and then Joe. Wow, I wonder if we need to offer that degree here at Georgia?


Back to you. Then you had your COVID year. That was your fourth year at college. You really had to fight that year, didn't you? I mean you were number three on the depth chart. Then Newman left and Mathis became QB1. Then you pushed hard and took the starting job from Mathis only to have JT Daniels come in. That must have sucked. And I bet that was hard on your studies, too. What are you pointing at? Oh, that flashing yellow box on my screen? It says Mathis will be a senior this fall, Newman is playing in Canada but didn't graduate from college, and Daniels will be a senior this fall, too.


Yes, I know. None of them is really competitive or playing on a winning team. Could you do me a favor, could you stop rapping your rings on my desk.


Look, COVID took a toll on everyone. Classes were off, credits were off. It was just a really hard time.


So, you started the 2021 season... you were in your fifth year. And it says here, your credits really never caught up with you. Did you change your major or something? Wow, now that ring looks really nice on your middle finger.


And your sixth year you did it all over again. Against great odds. Of course, everyone knows what you did on behalf of the university and how you proved yourself to everyone in the college football world, including Gar—, I mean including some TV announcers.


Please. Can you put your cigar out. I can't breathe. And I don't think you're supposed to smoking in this building anyway. You're forever a Georgia hero and I can't imagine you'll ever have to buy a beer for yourself ever again. Not that it's a good idea.


Stetson, stop banging on the door. Please. I don't want to have to call police like they did in Old East Dallas. We can put together a plan for you. It's only a few ... dozen credits. Stetson. Stetson?

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